For example, where did that awful Journey song come from? The first time I heard it was on an episode of Family Guy a few years back and the next thing you know everyone is singing along and there is no escape.

It is like someone from the future has gone back in time, inserted this racket and then gone back to their own time to reap the rewards. Or just annoy me. Then again, surely a time traveller would buy a lottery ticket, or would that be too suspicious?

Following the tracking system through, you can now see that the item was returned and held at the depot. I tried calling Parcel Force to find out what I should do and they were “surprised” that no card was left but told me I had to speak to the Charlton depot. That’s easier than it sounds. I spent a good couple of weeks or so trying to get through but I was constantly on hold waiting to speak to someone (and trust me, the pseudo Coldplay Clocks track is not what you want to be forced to listen to when you’re getting rather impatient). Nothing was happening on the online tracking system during this time.

Eventually I got through to a human (in the remotest sense of the word) last Saturday 8 October and, after “popping out” to find the parcel, they called me back at work to say that the item was in front of her but she “cannot read the courier’s writing” to tell me why it had not been delivered. Neither could the other muppet working alongside her (and, incidentally not answering the constantly ringing phones in the background).

She agreed to arrange a redelivery for yesterday, 13 October but I wasn’t entirely surprised when nothing turned up. What did surprise me was that the parcel had been delivered… to Birmingham! I have absolutely no idea what had happened, but the online tracking system showed that it had been sent to the West Midlands and R. Gilbert had signed for it.

I bypassed Charlton and went straight to the main Parcel Force office to find out what had happened. This was more difficult as the tracking system no longer showed the parcel reference number. Aaaaah! Fortunately, I found out by accident that right-clicking on the signature reveals the parcel reference in the image URL. So, it turns out that somehow the delivery postcode had been changed from BR1 (Bromley) to B46 (guess where) and the parcel had been diverted and delivered 129 miles away in Coleshill, even though the remainder of the address had my full address and borough! Unfortunately I would have to speak to the West Midlands depot to sort it out.

I made a decision at this stage to give up with Parcel Force and get Bulldog to sort it out. After putting me on hold for over ten minutes (with some more relaxing hold music, now you ask), the adviser advised me that they will send out another router for me. I couldn’t believe they were giving in so easily… finally do I have something positive to say about Bulldog?

I don’t know about that, it disturbed me that I don’t think they are going to take it up with Parcel Force. If not I may try it myself, or even write off to the misdelivery address and ask for the router back!

What a farce. The router should be with me in “5-7 working days”… I’ll report back either way!

A quick call to Transco to find out who is supplying my gas and a 15 minute phone call with a rude Seeboard operator, I can confirm… da dadda daaa… that the EDF muppets have E/T-ed me once again. And taken £20 out of my bank account. And they want to bill me for gas usage that Powergen have already billed me for (and owe me over £100 for over-payment).

This is getting rediculous and far from funny now. At least Powergen "can confirm" my electricity is back with them, but for how long? The notice I asked them to put on the account to prevent further E/Ts has obviously, once again, been ignored. And are they ever going to send me a bill? Nine months with free electricity is bound to add up… I have a feeling regulator Ofgem will be hearing from me in the not too distant future.

I have a feeling once (if?) everything settles down, I'll be looking for a better deal elsewhere anyway.

…allied with the cynicism of the way movies are put together, the product placement and spin-offs and toys and all kinds of crap that have nothing to do with the telling of stories, they've turned movies into McMovies. …when the movie-goer gets his movie, it's like a hamburger. He doesn't want a piece of aubergine in there. He wants his onion, his tomato, his hamburger and his bun. He doesn't want the bun hard, he wants if soft, and he wants it in two minutes.

He was of course referring to the homogeneity and commercialisation of cinema rather than his seemingly personal taste for fast food, but I can see where he is coming from. Nevertheless I went, rather sceptically, to see 40-year-old Virgin and was pleasantly surprised. Of course there was the cheesy (that's one for you, Gabriel!) ending, but it was genuinely, but often subtley funny. Just the sort of humour I like, and well away from typical American gross out films such as the American Pie trilogy. Maybe I'll visit the Odeon (still not fully available to non-MSIE browsers!) more often…?

After the first episode of the new Bremner, Bird and Fortune series last night was Death of Celebrity, hosted, quite ironically, by Piers Morgan. Somehow since his demise from The Mirror (oh, how we laughed at those photos!), he has come to realise the worthlessness of celebrities who are celebrities just for being celebrities. (I am aware that makes no sense, but bear with me). The comparison of Colin Jackson as an athletics star who was (and still is) celebrated for his record-breaking achievements on the track with Rebecca Loos or George Best's son – both who only seem to be famous for sleeping with other low-brow celebrities – was highly amusing.

Piers' attempted interview with Abi 'home video' Titmuss showed how shallow she really was. "So what is it you actually do," he asks with muted anticipation. "What do you do?" comes the reply. "Who is the real Abigail Titmuss?" "Who is the real Piers Morgan?". This woman must be so insecure with herself that she cannot even attempt to answer these perfectly reasonable questions. By avoiding the answers and aggressively turning the questions around, it shows how shallow her character really is.

What was more concerning however, was the impact these sorts of characters have on the younger generation. What do they even make of these people who are famous and adored just for appearing on a reality show or getting their baps out on Page Three? The program concluded with Ms Titmuss at her booksigning ("I've got the notes at home!") with goggle-eyed children having their photos taken with her. What do you want to be when you grow up? A Celebrity!

And finally, today saw the hyped-up launch of the new look Guardian newspaper in new 'Berliner' format, as adopted by many European counterparts. "It is neither a tabloid nor a broadsheet" and is Britain's only full-colour newspaper. How long it stays at 60p weekdays is currently unknown. The paper is certainly pretty and its compacted size will certainly help commuters on the sweaty trains, but it foes feel a lot more taboid-y to me. With the large photographs and 'at a glance' panels, as well as the new Egyptian font, it seems very far away from the same paper I read just two days ago.

I am sure we will all get used to it, but personally I would have preferred an overhaul of their website as I still find it rather cumbersome to use. Navigation remains poor and there is too much whitespace leading to never-ending scrolling down the page to complete an article. Yet it is still used by over 11 million people a month, well ahead of their competitors. Maybe it is just my hatred of the Back button…

1. Poor customer service
   Admittantly I was pretty unlucky to turn up to use the gym today behind a swim party of about thirty children, but that is no excuse for having three people behind the desk and only one serving. When I do eventually get served, there's not even a 'sorry to keep you waiting, sir'. Just a swipe of the card, and in I go. Why can't they have a swipe machine that I can use and go straight in, like in my old gym?




2. Changing Rooms
   The changing rooms are pretty nasty, but are probably the best air conditioned part of the building. They are in desperate need of a good clean – their idea of cleaning is detaching the fire hose and giving the area a quick wash down, during normal opening hours – but preferably a refurbishment. I daren't describe the toilets, but at least they have working soap dispensers now.




3. Hot & sweaty gym
   The air conditioning in the gym is very inconsistent, and today completely non existent. During the hot summer months, with many of the clientele unsure of the definition of personal hygiene (never mind general gym etiquette), the ambience can turn rather stale to say the least.




4. IGE (in-gym entertainment)
   The council should at least invest in improving the entertainment in the gym. Currently there are four small televisions usually showing BBC1 or ITV1 with subtitles. Again, my old gym had four plasma screens with Sky and plug-in sound boxes on all CV equipment. Today we had two of my worst nightmares, namely the Weakest Link 'quiz' (with sixty-twenty year-old Anne Robinson) and the 'sport' Cricket (with some blokes strolling around in the sun, until it rains).

The main reason behind the lack of investment compared to my old gym is that the latter was a public-private partnership. It was actually a Holmes Place (of which I only recently found the Bromley branch) and had heavy investment during my year-long membership. In fact the gym was completely refurbished, along with the dry changing rooms, reception, bar, shop and decor. More has probably been done since I left.

I am paying less here (although that does include corporate discount) so I can't complain too much, it just seems like some very basic improvements should be undertaken to make visits more bearable. Of course I could make my feelings known using their 'talk back' service but I don't think the forms are large enough…

Pretty much as soon as I moved into the flat in Bromley I switched my gas and electricity from Seeboard to Powergen as according to uSwitch the latter would be cheaper. I also knew they have better customer service as I was about to find out in more detail. My supplies were successfully transferred to Seeboard some time in March but that is when the problems began: Seeboard transferred me back to them without my permission (an 'ET').

And so it began…

The process of dealing with the ET takes about six weeks during which time you get letters from both parties ("Sorry you're leaving Powergen…", "Welcome to Seeboard…", "Sorry for the mistake…") before it all settles down again. For this to happen once is bad enough, but exactly the same thing occurred less than a month later. The first you know about it is the vague letter from Powergen saying how staying with them can save you money – this letter uses the terminology 'energy' rather than 'gas' or 'electricity' so you easily lose track of which supply is with which company. Then you have to phone up and try and sort it out with both parties (although I should have probably avoided talking to the idiotic robots at Seeboard).

During this whole period you miss out on any dual-fuel or DD discounts and I've only paid about £20 in bills so far this year as the supplier has been so inconsistent and the ET process doesn't seem to generate a 'final bill' from either party.

After having things sorted out for the second time in May and putting a block on the gas with Powergen I received another "we're in the process of transferring you" letter from Seeboard. For the third time, an ET had gone through, even though I thought the block was in place (I had received a "sorry we cannot transfer you" letter from Seeboard at an earlier date when the block must have still been active). This infuriated me (Victor-style). How can this possibly happen again? Surely there are notes on my Seeboard account advising of previous problems? Surely the muppets are fed up of me moaning at them? Obviously not…

At time of writing my electricity is now back with Powergen and my gas should be shortly, but they said that a block could not be put back on the accounts again. I am suspicious that it was not done in the first place.

And so this leads me onto today's story which began when I received a nice letter from your friendly neighbourhood collection agency. I am used to getting these for the previous tenant of my flat (I even got one yesterday – Mr G Clark hasn't lived here for nearly a year) but not for me.

It turns out that nPower have been trying to contact me for a £100+ bill from my previous address and the agency must have dug my current address out of somewhere as nPower apparently didn't have it. Nor my final meter reading or moving out date even though I gave them all of the above months ago. As far as they were concerned I absconded at the end of April… nearly four months after I actually did.

It's not nice opening letters from collection agencies (or in the case of Mr Clark, above, notices of possession removal for goods up to the value of £1700) and I am quite concerned that nPower decided to take that route rather than attempt to contact me directly. After all, they should have all my current details. At least the agency woman I spoke to saw it from my point of view and was not as rude and persistent as Mr Clark's council tax chasing agency.

Rant over. Ooh, that reminds me of a great Family Guy quote:

Dennis Miller on TV: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter on Couch: What the hell does rant mean?

Ever tried accidentally typing Seaboard into Google and seeing the top Sponsored result?!

For those who don't know, Bulldog (a Cable and Wireless company) recently launched an 8Mbps broadband service to the majority of its LLU exchanges. I was planning on signing up to this deal having found out that the local Bromley exchange was supporting this (currently revolutionary) DSL speed.

Anyway, the story goes that I was going to wait for a decent introductory offer to come up when the line speed was offered at (just?) 4Mbps and signed up to a special deal that happened to be going on in the local shopping centre. It meant that I could get the service at a reduced rate for six months, pay just £1 for connection and get a free wireless router. The only problem was that the sales rep, being a third party agent on commission, didn't process my order correctly and the fun began.

The main issue customers have been having is the difficulty to get through to support. Phone the sales line and you'll be through to a human within seconds. Not so for the other 0800 number. I am not exaggerating when I say that the average length of time I have been on hold for is over 20 minutes. The quickest I think was about 12 minutes, and longest over 35. 35 minutes? I just got into the habit of leaving the phone on speakerphone (lucky I have that facility at home and work otherwise I might have done my neck some damage), going off to the loo or getting a coffee, and coming back in time to speak to one of their support robots. That is if you get to join the queue at all, of which you have no chance weekdays between about 11am and 2pm.

E-mail support is just as bad. I received an e-mail after the original order was put through incorrectly telling me that my free modem was on the way. I replied and said that this was the wrong product and that the order had been cancelled anyway. I received a reply to my reply over two weeks later telling me they had no record of the order or something. I can understand the frustration that many customers have been getting in and can appreciate why Bulldog have, under pressure, removed their 'best consumer ISP' banner.

After being on hold in one particular week for over four hours, trying to sort out the issue with my order, I eventually spoke to a supervisor (called Hope, of all names) and about a week later things were sorted. Only a couple of issues still remain, such as the line dropping off every-so-often and my wireless modem not turning up yet. But I live in hope!

In case you're interested, the supposed 8Mbps is being reported by my router as 5184Kbps downstream and 576Kbps upstream. Don't think I can complain about that upload speed – it's faster than most entry-level broadband download speeds, but the download speed has decreased since I reported problems with the line…

Page three of the Evening Standard this afternoon contained an article on how Kerry ‘McFatten’ (the ‘winner’ of IACGMOOH apparently) will be guaranteed a Number 1 single and £2m!

So the Atomic Kitten drop-out who hasn’t sung a word in over three years is guaranteed this fortune just for appearing alongside other non-celebrities on holiday in Australia? I just don’t understand! The single (although probably written during her stay) hasn’t even left her lips yet, and it’s already guaranteed top sales. What has happened to the British music industry? There’s no ‘music’ left in it, that’s what. It’s all about image, celebrity, marketing and peer pressure – most of the latter coming from local commercial radio stations who play this noise to no end!

It’s certainly making the Watermans of this world very wealthy indeed and those with working ears rather irritated. The answer to why CD single sales are continually falling is not increased illegal downloads (these people generally download tracks as a taster before going out and buying the album), but the decrease in the quality of the output.

On another ‘music’ note – what’s going on in the latest Pepsi advert? Apart from Pink screaming some racket to a crowd of ‘Romans’. MTV too seem to be running scared after the farce with Jackson and the one that used to do Britney. They’ve moved six videos til after the watershed just in case anyone else would get offended! I think the future of the international music scene is enough to offend anyone…